Guys, I am done. Finished. Klaar. Ek is op!
We’ve just come out of a period of 16 Days of No Violence Against Women and Children. We here at IOL brought to the fore our Don’t Look Away campaign, where we highlight the abuse of women and children and violence perpetrated against them.
This campaign continues throughout the year. The hub containing all related content is always available. But during the 16 Days campaign, we put it on our homepage and ran a co-ordinated social media campaign.
And during this time, there are men who speak passionately about it. Men who tweet about it. Men who paint their nails orange in support of the campaign. Men who do slightly more than the bare minimum to promote the protection of women and children.
But all the while, their support is hollow. It’s empty.
Because still, outside of 16 Days, the immediate response to me tweeting #MenAreTrash, I get replies like “Your dad too?” and “Not the men in my family”. What do you want? A cookie?
Guys, I'm a couple of episodes into Maid and I am TRIGGERED 😳 Men are absolute trash.#MenAreTrash
— Lance Witten (@LanceTheWitten) December 16, 2021
Until there is an end to gender-based violence, then yes, all men are trash. Does racism still exist? Then I will continue to talk about it and do everything in my power to stop it.
I’m not racist, so therefore racism cannot be a thing? The men in my family don’t beat women, don’t berate them, don’t abuse them financially and emotionally. So, therefore, Mr Editor, how dare you say #MenAreTrash?
What does abuse look like? Is it a blue eye? A bruise around the neck where he strangled you? The fact that your friends no longer check in on you because you blow them off every time they invite you out because you’re scared of what he’ll say about it? The fact that you can’t talk to male colleagues and acquaintances out of fear of his jealousy?
Outside of a relationship, abuse is equally scary. A male colleague groped you, made inappropriate advances, sexually charged comments, and you’re too scared to report him because he and his direct line manager are friends.
You’re scared saying something will not only result in absolutely no action taken but could even lead to reprisals. You could lose your job. You could be victimised. You could be labelled as a trouble-maker. The office boys’ club could easily start and circulate rumours that you’re a slut; you threw yourself at him. You hit on him. You led him on. You spoke out when it wasn’t your place to do so. You were insubordinate.
And management shrugs and looks down on you for bringing disharmony to the culture of family that’s been built up over the years. That culture of family can very easily lead to a culture of nepotism. That culture of family leads to things being swept under the rug because we deal with it as a family here (to borrow from poet Siphokazi Jonas’ haunting “We Are Dying Here”). That’s unhealthy office culture.
Another major highlight from this year, #wearedyinghere opening at ARIFF and screening at Ster Kinekor. Making films is a treasured childhood dream come true 🥺 pic.twitter.com/mEKPLQJS2E
You can’t run a successful business if your office culture is one of family. There must be accountability. Recourse. Consequences. Families forgive and take back their errant sons. Successful businesses root out the cause, and all supporting structures that allowed abuse – whether abuse of power, abuse of company funds or accounts, abuse of relationships, or the abuse of people – removed as well.
Families, on the other hand, deal with the symptom. The whistle-blower. The trouble-maker.
In my career, I have been blessed to work across a number of media – radio (my first love), terrestrial and satellite television, print, and digital – and over the span of my more than two-decade career, I have been privileged to be in a position to offer mentorship and guidance to a number of young, upcoming talents.
They had the hunger, they had the drive, they had the skill, their crafts just needed honing. And, at least a handful of them have told me personally of experiences they had had where they were sexually assaulted by superiors, line managers, and people in positions of power, who appeared later to be protected, in turn, by their bosses and their bosses’ bosses.
These women are scared. They’re scared because of the toxic patriarchy we, as men, have allowed to continue. In many instances, we perpetuate it. Why? Because it means we can continue our boys’ club behaviour, and make sure our kick-backs keep coming – a free golf round here, a sponsored car there, box tickets and golden circle to events, preferential treatment... we like our perks. Media just doesn’t pay enough to live the good life.
Once we break that cycle of patriarchy, one we relinquish our perks, once we give over to accountability, we open the door for growth. Cadre deployment and comradeship exist outside of the political halls of power, my friends.
These women who confided in me are scared to come forward and tell their stories. They are scared to be known as trouble-makers. They fear for their future prospects. Why? Because the men responsible for the abuse, or for covering it up, will always be there in some way, shape or form. They will always have power. That’s how boys’ clubs work.
And what did I do, apart from listen and try to offer guidance and support? Sweet nothing. I didn’t confront the men responsible. I didn’t go after them on social media. I didn’t cut ties with them. Guys, understand, that makes me trash too.
I wonder what would happen if men fought gender-based violence and abuse the way they fight people who say #MenAreTrash, if they defended women the way they defend the "good men" in their own lives. Just imagine...
It’s time, guys. I’ve had enough. I’m gatvol. It’s time to believe her. It’s time to support her. It’s time to stop worrying so much about men and people who say #MenAreTrash, and worry more about why we say it.
If you fought for the rights and protection of women the way you fight men who support this cause, with your whole chest, imagine the world we could have.
We believe her. We support her. We listen to her. It starts with something as simple as that. It starts with offering a safe space for women to speak out without fear of reprisals.
God, we’re literally the number one threat to women’s lives!
And until that is no longer the case, we will remain trash.
To the women reading this – your story is valid. Your truth is valid. Your experience is valid. Our doors are open. Feel free to come in and talk.
* Lance Witten is the Editor-in-Chief of IOL